RATING：R
PAIRING：Gibbs/DiNozzo
SUMMARY：Gibbs gets a Christmas Miracle.
概述：Gibbs得到了個聖誕奇蹟。
WORD COUNT：英文 6100，中文 11872
EPISODE SPOILERS：Brief mentions of Twilight, SWAK, the Hiatus stuff, and Bury Your Dead.
劇集摘要：簡單提及【暮光之城Twilight】，【SWAK】，部分【the Hiatus】，以及【Bury Your Dead】。
NOTE：Set on Christmas Eve and all I can say is that Gibbs is a stubborn bastard. He just does not want to do what I want him to do. So, instead of being romantic schmoop, it's a little more angsty than I intended, because Gibbs doesn't know how to let good things happen to him. Don't worry, I forced it on him. LOL.
備註：設定在聖誕節前夕而我所能說的就是Gibbs是個頑固的渾帳。他就是不去做我想要他做的事。所以，與浪漫故事相反，它有著比我預期中還要多的憂愁，因為Gibbs不知道要怎麼讓好事發生在他身上。別擔心，我努力讓它發生在他身上了。LOL。
DISCLAIMER：NCIS is owned and operated by people far richer than I. Honor and praise to the creators. I love playing with these guys.
放棄聲明：NCIS是屬於並且操作於那些比我有錢的人。表彰與讚揚屬於他們的創作者。我只是喜歡和這些傢伙玩而已。
DISTRIBUTION：My home site: www.visionsofprettyboys.com, and the NCIS archive, and probably NCIS slash, and who knows where else
發佈：我的網址 www.visionsofprettyboys.com，有NCIS相關，還可能有NCIS耽美同人，以及誰知道還可能有什麼東西。
THANKS：Thanks to my vunderbar alphas and betas. My stories are always so much better for their hard work. For this story that includes: Joolz, Susan, Hawthorn, Annie, Jillsjourney, and Nix.
感謝：感謝我精采的alpha們和beta們。我的故事總是因為他們的努力工作而變得更好。這個故事也包括在內。Joolz，Susan，Hawthorn，Annie，Jillsjourney，以及Nix。
As if drunk, Gibbs staggered into the church. A few people turned and frowned disapprovingly不贊成地 at him when he knocked into a pew座位. Gibbs paid them no mind as he sat heavily in the back.
像是喝醉了似的，Gibbs搖搖晃晃地走進了教堂。少部分人轉身並蹙眉不贊成地看著他撞進教堂的長椅上。當Gibbs重重地靠上背時他無視了他們。
It was too much. Too fucking much. First Kate was killed, a member of his own team, something Gibbs still couldn't forgive himself for. Then, upon waking up from his own injuries a year later, he'd grieved for Shannon and Kelly all over again.
太多了。他媽的太多了。先是Kate被殺，他小組中的一個成員，某件Gibbs仍無法原諒他自己的事情。接著，才剛從他心中的創傷起來沒多久，他又再次哀悼了Shannon和Kelly。
And now he'd lost another member of his team. More than just a member; Tony had been the heart of the team, and he could have been so much more to Gibbs if he'd done anything about it, but he hadn't. He'd thought he had time, but as of ten thirty this morning, Tony was dead. His car had been blown up again, and this time Tony hadn't managed to escape.
而現在他失去了他小組中的另一個成員。不僅僅是個小組成員；Tony是小組的心臟，而如果Gibbs有做些什麼的話他對他來說更不止於此，但他沒有。他以為他還有時間，但到了今天早上十點三十分，Tony死了。他的車再次被炸，而這次Tony沒能來得及逃出。
Gibbs had held out hope until Ducky had come up and confirmed that it was Tony, right down to the scarring on his lungs刺 from his bout with the plague. Gibbs was sure the shock he saw on the faces of Tony's teammates was mirrored on his own. Shock at the fact that Tony, the most irrepressible person Gibbs had ever met, was dead.
直到Ducky來到現場並確認那是Tony之前Gibbs都還懷抱著希望，那籠罩並刺著他的恐懼就僅次於鼠疫那次而已。Gibbs很確定他在Tony隊友臉上看到的驚訝就像鏡子一樣地也反映在了他的臉上。驚訝於那是Tony的事實，那個Gibbs所碰過最難以控制的人，已經死了。
It hadn't been until Tony came to work with Gibbs, that Gibbs had ever considered his job entertaining. Tony brought joy, and laughter, and teasing into an environment that was usually lacking in all three. Gibbs could barely bear the thought of going back into work and facing that empty desk.
直到Tony來和Gibbs一起工作之前，Gibbs從不認為他的工作可以有趣。Tony帶來了樂趣，歡笑，並戲弄環繞在他周圍的事物、那通常是他們三人所缺乏的。Gibbs僅僅只能支撐著自己去想到當回去工作後就要面對著那張空蕩蕩的桌子。
Maybe it was really time to retire, but even that prospect seemed bleak. What did it say about Gibbs that the best parts of his day was when he was with Tony? Hollis had retired to
也許真的是時間退休了，但即使是這樣的念頭都顯得蒼白。這是否表示對Gibbs來說他人生中部份最好的時光就是和Tony在一起？Hollis退休去了Hawaii（夏威夷），當她了解到Gibbs從未成為她所想要的樣子時就迅速地將自己放去了找不到的地方。她自責於Shannon與Kelly的死，而Gibbs任由她去。她不需要知道其他Gibbs所想要的全部東西。
Gibbs reached for his phone, and for the first time in longer than he could remember, he shut the damn thing off. Suppressing a sudden urge慫恿 to stand up and rip劈 the pew from its moorings停泊處, Gibbs forced himself to breathe through lungs肺 that felt blistered from the pain of loss.
Gibbs找出了他的手機，然後這是他印象中長久以來的首次，他關掉了那該死的手機。驚訝於突地一陣想站起並掀翻他所坐的長椅的衝動，Gibbs勉力呼吸並感受、自責於那穿過他肺臟的失去的痛。
The whole team was a wreck. Abby had been as devastated as Gibbs had ever seen her, sobbing in his arms. Even Ziva had had tears in her eyes, and McGee hadn't even been trying to hide his sorrow. Gibbs knew he should have stayed, at the very least been a physical support for his team, but it had been beyond him.
整個小組都崩壞了。Abby變得Gibbs前所未見的脆弱，她啜泣在他的懷裡。即使是Ziva也眼眶含淚，而McGee甚至不想試著去隱藏他的悲傷。Gibbs知道他應該要留在那裡，在這最後的最後成為小組的心靈支柱，但他將之拋諸身後了。
Gibbs closed his eyes only to snap them open when he saw Tony's car exploding in his mind's eye. Gone, up in smoke, was a future Gibbs had only allowed himself to contemplate盤算 in the privacy of his own home. He'd imagined coming home and finding Tony there, that insouciant grin on his face, a beer for Gibbs in his hand, wearing nothing but jeans, the top button open, his feet bare, and before Gibbs would have even taken a step, he'd have been pressed against the door, Tony doing his best to make him forget his name, let alone the day he'd had.
Gibbs閉起了他的眼睛、卻在心底看見Tony的車爆炸時又倏地睜開。都沒了，像煙一樣地消散了，那是Gibbs在他家裡唯一准許自己盤算過的私人將來。他想像過當他回到家時會發現Tony就在那裡，他臉上有著無憂無慮的笑容，手上拿著要給Gibbs的啤酒，除了牛仔褲什麼都沒穿，釦子也是開的，他赤足，而甚至在Gibbs邁開步伐之前，他就被推靠在了門上，Tony用他最好的技巧讓他忘了自己的名字，只餘下他今天將會擁有的時光。
He'd dreamed about an end to long, sleepless nights. No more working on the boat until the sun rose to avoid躲避 being chased by nightmares and regrets. Instead, there'd be laughter and touching and a home, something Gibbs had been without for far too long.
他夢想過這長長的，難以成眠的夜晚的結束。不再為了躲避追逐他的噩夢與懊悔而造船到天明。取而代之的，會有著歡笑與碰觸以及一個家，某些Gibbs已經失去了太久太久的。
But now it was all gone, and Gibbs knew he'd lost his last chance to find someone who could have taken
但現在這些都沒了，而Gibbs知道他失去了最後一個機會去找到某個能夠站在Shannon在他心底位置上的人。他等著要說些什麼等得太久了、而，現在，他所看到的餘生就只有那些噩夢與懊悔。在下班後與再次上工前的那些漫長的時光，他能夠預期將會如同珠穆朗瑪峰一般（冷清孤寂）。
A child's voice broke through his misery, and he realized that he'd walked into the church during a rehearsal. There was a little boy near the altar, his voice like an angel. Gibbs found it hard, initially, to focus on the words, but then he caught the phrase: the miracle unfolds.
一個孩童的聲音打斷了他的悲劇，接著他發現自己走進教堂裡正在彩排的地方。那有個小男孩就在聖壇附近，他的聲音就像天使。Gibbs發現它的內容肅穆，開始地，他專心在了那些字句上，接著他抓到了一段話：奇蹟展現。
A craving渴望 for Tony swept through Gibbs so strongly it was as if the need was punched into him like a fist into a punching bag. A miracle. That's what he needed, a miracle to help him wake up and face each day. Eyes brimming with tears, he looked up at the hanging banners醒目的 proclaiming頌讚 the miracle of the Christ Child, the celebration of peace on earth, and Gibbs found himself on his knees, praying for mercy, praying for anything.
一陣對Tony的渴求掠過Gibbs的心頭，那需要就像是拳頭打中沙包一樣地打進Gibbs的心頭。一個奇蹟。那就是他所需要的，一個可以幫助他醒來並面對每一天的奇蹟。眼眶裡盈滿淚水，他抬頭看向懸在上方那頌讚神之子奇蹟的醒目字眼，那慶祝著地球和平，接著Gibbs發現自己跪了下來，為這悲慘祈禱，為任何事祈禱。
After a while, Gibbs remembered that prayers were seldom answered, and when they were, they weren't the answers hoped for. People suffered受難 and died every day and miracles were all well and good in a gospel福音 revival復甦 tent罩住, but you seldom got them when you really needed them.
片刻後，Gibbs想起很少祈禱者會得到答案，而當他們得到答案，都不是想要的那個答案。每天都有人們受難及死亡，而奇蹟是最好復甦福音的方法，但你真的需要它們時卻很少能得到。
He sat back on the pew, exhausted, drained, too weary to even think about getting up and going home. Even the bottle of bourbon he had in the basement wasn't sufficient充分地 enticement.
他坐回了椅上，精疲力竭地，乾涸地，太過疲倦到甚至無法考慮站起來或是回家去。即使是地下室的那瓶波本也不足以吸引他了。
Covering his face with his hands, he wished with all his heart that he didn't have to go through this again. He honestly didn't think he had the strength. Footsteps alerted機警 him that someone was heading in his direction and he kept his face covered, hoping it would be taken as a sign that they could just keep walking.
他用手遮住了他的臉，他希望他的心不需要再承受這些一次。他坦白承認自己沒有這麼堅強。一陣腳步聲警醒著他有某個人朝著他的方向而來，而他仍是遮著臉，希望這可以傳達出要他們儘管走開的訊號。
"Hey," a voice said. A voice Gibbs could not be possibly hearing.
「嘿，」一道聲音說道。一道Gibbs不可能再聽見的聲音。
"I think," the voice said hesitantly. "I think I’m here for you."
「我想，」那道聲音遲疑地說。「我想我會在這裡是為了你。」
Gibbs slowly lowered his hands and looked up to find Tony staring down at him. Disbelieving, Gibbs said, "You're dead."
Gibbs緩慢地放下手並抬眼發現Tony正俯視著他。無法相信地，Gibbs說道，「你已經死了。」
"Yeah, I know," Tony said, looking bewildered.
「是啊，我知道，」Tony說，看起來有著困惑。
"That means you aren't here, and I've cracked," Gibbs said bluntly.
「那就表示你不在這裡，是我瘋了，」Gibbs遲疑地道。
"I don't think so," Tony said slowly. "The second part, I mean. Well, both parts, because I am here, but what I meant is that I don't think you've cracked."
「我不這麼認為，」Tony緩緩道。「我是指，那第二個部分。好吧，兩個部分都是，因為我在這裡，但我說的是我不認為你瘋了。」
"You got a better explanation?" Gibbs snapped out.
「你有更好的解釋？」Gibbs厲聲道。
Tony sat down, his body right next to Gibbs, but Gibbs couldn't feel him. He didn't feel any heat from Tony, the displacement of air as he sat down, or the pressure of his leg against Gibbs'. Tony shrugged and looked around. "You know me," he finally said, making it sound more like a question than a statement.
Tony坐了下來，他的身體就在Gibbs身邊，但Gibbs卻感覺不到他。他感覺不到Tony身上任何體溫，或是他坐在這裡時的空間感，或是他的腿靠著Gibbs時的壓力。Tony聳聳肩並看向四周。「你認識我，」他最後說道，讓那聽起來更像是個問題而不是個陳述。
"I knew you, DiNozzo," Gibbs corrected heartlessly, refusing to give in to any sense of hope.
「我是認識你，DiNozzo，」Gibbs冷酷地糾正，拒絕了任何可能的希望。
Tony snapped his fingers. "DiNozzo. Tony. That's my name." He sagged back in the pew in relief. "I couldn't remember it. I just knew you needed me."
Tony彈了個響指。「DiNozzo。Tony。那就是我的名字。」他輕鬆地向後靠上長椅背。「我不記得這個了。我只知道你需要我。」
Gibbs was about to bite out that he didn't need anybody, but it was such a blatant露骨的 lie that he couldn't force the words out. Furrowing his brow, he asked, "How could you forget your name?"
Gibbs幾乎就要咬牙說出他不需要任何人，但這就像是個他無法勉強自己說出任何一個字的露骨謊言。皺起眉頭，他問道，「你怎麼會忘記你的名字？」
"I haven't been dead long," Tony said, as if Gibbs needed a reminder. "It was like all that was left when I died was the real stuff, you know? The real me, what really counts, deep inside, and my name just wasn't a big deal. But it's all coming back to me now."
「我沒有死很久，」Tony說，像是Gibbs需要個提醒。「這就像是當我真的死得很透徹時所有的一切都會遠去，你知道嗎？真的我，那些數不盡的，在我心底深處的，比較起來反而我的名字這件事沒什麼大不了了。不過現在這些都回來了。」
Confused, aching, and angry all at once, Gibbs demanded, "What the hell are you doing here? And don't tell me you're a ghost, because I don't believe in ghosts, and don't tell me you're alive because--" Gibbs cut himself off, and just ran a hand through Tony's arm instead, watching as it went right through.
困惑，痛惜，還有憤怒都一起油然而生，Gibbs要求道，「你見鬼的在這裡做什麼？而且別告訴我你是個鬼魂，因為我不相信有鬼魂，也別告訴我你還活著、因為—」Gibbs打斷了自己，取而代之的是把手揮向Tony的手臂，並看著正穿過去。
"Okay, that's weird," Tony observed. He tried to touch himself and successfully grabbed his own arm. "I feel real to me."
「好吧，這很詭異，」Tony察覺道。他試著觸摸自己並成功地抓到了他的手臂。「對我來說我很真實。」
"Just answer my question." Not that it mattered. Whatever the answer, all it meant was that Gibbs had truly lost it. You could call it something fancy想像 like post traumatic創傷 stress壓迫 disorder疾病, but crazy was crazy. Although, as crazy went, there was something so right about talking to Tony again, even if just for a moment before reality crashed back in.
「回答我的問題。」不是因為這很重要。無論答案是什麼，都只代表Gibbs是真的失去它了。你可以說這像是想像著傷口正被壓迫止血，但瘋狂就是瘋狂。雖然，當這瘋狂來時，能夠再次與Tony說上話卻也像是某種又對了的事情，即使這只是在真正倒塌前的片刻而已。
"You caused a bit of a stir up there," Tony said, pointing up. "They haven't heard from you in a long time. You should have seen them," he added with a grin. "I think I even heard trumpets. There was a lot of frantic發狂的 conferring會議, not," he amended修正, "like anyone was actually running around. It was very, well, more Claude Rains and less George Burns."
「你多少算是喚醒他們的理由，」Tony說道，意有所指地。「他們好久都沒有聽到來自於你的聲音了。你應該見過他們才對。」他帶著個笑容補充道。「我想我曾經聽過這個喇叭聲。他們開了好些樂瘋了的會議，這並不是說，」他修正道，「好像真的有人在繞著圈圈跑了。那是非常，好吧，像是有很多Claude Rains和一些些George Burns的感覺。」
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Gibbs said with a scowl. He tried to remember if he'd ever had Kelly or Shannon appear in such a life-like dream. Maybe he wasn't crazy. Maybe he'd fallen asleep, and any moment now the minister would wake him up, and he'd have to go outside and drive home and start finding a way to cope with the rest of his life.
「我完全沒搞懂你在說什麼，」Gibbs沉著臉說道。他試著回想起他是否曾經做過這種Kelly或是Shannon曾經出現過的超真實的夢。也許他沒有瘋。也許他只是睡著了，而現在任何時間可能都會有個牧師來把他叫醒，然後他就必須離開並開車回家然後開始要找到一種方式去應付他接下來無止盡的人生。
"All I'm saying is that you called and here I am," Tony finished up. "But I think something went wrong because I'm not really here, am I?"
「我所想說的就是你呼喚了所以我在這裡了，」Tony總結道。「但我想有某樣東西不對了，所以我並不是真的在這裡，是吧？」
"No," Gibbs said shortly. "You're not." Then, brutally, he said, "You're dead. Your car blew up and your body burned to a crisp."
「對，」Gibbs簡短道。「你不在。」接著，殘忍地，他說道，「你死了。你的車子爆炸而且你的身體被烤成焦屍。」
"Ouch," Tony said with a wince. "That had to hurt."
「嗷噢，」Tony畏縮地說。「那肯定很痛。」
Letting out a mirthless snort, Gibbs looked away, suddenly finding it almost impossible to keep looking at the man he'd just lost. Whether he woke up, or whether he was hallucinating, either way, sooner or later, Tony would be gone, and the pain would be back, and Gibbs would just as soon deal with reality現實 than allow himself the temptation of losing himself in dreams. "And I didn't call you."
噴出一個陰鬱的哼聲，Gibbs轉過視線，卻突然發現他幾乎是不可能地看見了他應該是剛失去的那個男人。無論是他醒了，或是他產生幻覺了，隨便哪一種，早晚，Tony會消失，然後那種痛又會回來，而Gibbs很快地就會要求自己面對現實勝過准許自己迷失在這夢境的誘惑裡。「而且我沒有叫你。」
"Not in the moose call way of calling, but in the heart way you did," Tony said.
「不是叫麋鹿的叫法，而是你在心底呼喚了，」Tony說。
"Moose way?" Gibbs said, finding himself, as usual, charmed by Tony's silliness.
「叫麋鹿的叫法？」Gibbs說，發現自己，像通常的那樣，被Tony的愚蠢所逗樂。
Tony grinned at him.
Tony對著他咧嘴笑著。
Gibbs wanted to grin back, but instead he said, "I need to know. Why are you here?"
Gibbs想笑回去，但相反地他說道，「我需要知道。你為什麼在這裡？」
Frowning, Tony glanced down at his body. "Not really sure. It's not like anyone gave me clear instructions. I was up there hanging around, trying to get the lay of the land, and then someone pushed me and here I was." As if just noticing that a choir was singing, Tony hummed a bar or two. "Nice," he observed, "That kid's got an amazing voice." Then, he offered, "Maybe I could check in and see if I'm doing something wrong."
蹙著眉，Tony垂眼看向他的身體。「不是很確定。這不像有任何人給我明確的指示。我在上面那裡飄來飄去，試著要踩在地上，接著有某個人推了我一把然後我就在這裡了。」像是才注意到唱詩班在唱歌似的，Tony大力地噴了一下或兩下鼻息。「真棒，」他評論道，「那些孩子有天籟般的聲音。」接著，他提議道，「也許我可以自我檢查看看能不能發現什麼錯誤。」
Gibbs considered Tony for a moment. "This isn't going to work."
Gibbs觀察了Tony片刻。「這不管用。」
"Why not?" Tony said. "I mean besides the obvious."
「為什麼不？」Tony說。「我是指除了明顯的原因之外。」
"You mean the part where you're dead, and don't even have a body to go back to, even if you were able to?"
「你提到的是你已經死亡的部份，甚至沒有個身體可以回來，或者其實你能夠？」
Chewing深思 his bottom lip for a moment, Tony nodded. "That does seem to be a bit of an obstacle障礙." He ran a hand though his hair. "Are you sure you can't touch me?"
咬著他的下唇深思了片刻，Tony補充道。「那看起來多少算是個障礙。」他耙梳過他的頭髮。「你確定你不能碰到我嗎？」
Against違背 his better judgment判斷, Gibbs reached out but, again, his hand moved through Tony, meeting no resistance. He shook his head. "Time to wake up," he said to himself, forcing his body to stand. "You're dead, Tony, and nothing's going to fix that."
違背了他最好的判斷，Gibbs摸索地伸出手、但，再一次地，他的手穿過了Tony，沒有碰到任何阻力。他搖搖他的頭。「是時候清醒了，」他對著自己說，強迫他的身體站起來。「你死了，Tony，沒有什麼東西可以挽救這個。」
"Maybe," Tony said uncertainly, "but maybe this is a chance for you to talk to me, to say goodbye." He scrunched his face up, slowly shaking his head. "But that doesn't seem right."
「也許，」Tony不確定地道，「但也許這是讓你有個機會可以和我說話，說再見。」他皺起了他的臉，慢慢地搖了搖頭。「但感覺這不對。」
"To say goodbye?" Gibbs asked, suddenly indignant. "And that will make everything all right? You're gone. Everyone I've cared about dies; you're just one more in a long line. And saying goodbye to you won't make that better."
「說再見？」Gibbs問，突然變得忿忿不平。「然後那就會讓所有事情都變好了？你走了。所有我關心的人都死了；你只是在這長長的時間線上又添一樁而已。而且對你說再見並不會讓這好一點。」
Tony looked like he was sorry he'd opened his mouth.
Tony看起來像是他很抱歉他開口了。
Gibbs didn't care; he was on a roll. "Did you know that I loved you? Wanted you? Hoped that maybe one day we could--" He stopped, his lips tight, and pushed right through Tony until he was in the aisle. "Fuck it. I'm going home. Go haunt someone else. All you'll be is a reminder of everything I lost. Everything I'll never have."
Gibbs才不在乎；他正在火頭上。「你知道我愛你嗎？知道我想要你嗎？知道我期望有一天我們可以—」他頓下，嘴唇緊抿著，然後穿過Tony直到他站在通道上。「去你的。我要回家了。去狩獵其他隨便什麼人。而你只會成為我記憶中所有失去事物的其中之一。所有我從不曾擁有過的那部份。」
"Gibbs," Tony protested.
「Gibbs，」Tony抗議道。
Not answering, Gibbs strode for the exit, suddenly anxious焦急地 to be home so he could put a serious dent削弱 in that bourbon and find oblivion健忘的. As he pushed the door open, he found himself looking back, but all he saw were empty pews.
沒有回答，Gibbs大步走向出口，突然急著要回家將自己投到波本裡並找到遺忘。當他將門推開時，他發現他回頭了，但他看見的就只有空蕩蕩的長椅。
Hours later, Gibbs was beginning to believe that someone had watered down the bourbon, because it wasn't helping. It didn't help that all his memories of Tony had been recharged再襲擊 by whatever the hell that had been in the church. He should really go to bed. His body wouldn't appreciate感激 the combination聯合 of too much alcohol and sleeping on the basement.
數小時後，Gibbs開始相信肯定有某個人在波本裡加了水，因為那一點用都沒有。無助於在教堂裡見鬼了所發生的那些與Tony有關的記憶再度襲擊他。他真的應該要去睡了。他的身體不會因為過多的酒精與睡在地下室這些聯合起來的事情而感激他的。
At least he didn't need to get up for anything. His team, what was left of it, was on mandatory leave. He suspected Abby, McGee and Ziva would be spending time together, no doubt a healthier response反覆 than his choice. But Gibbs was in no mood to offer solace安慰 to anyone, and there was no point in anyone offering it to him.
至少他不需要再為了任何事情而起床了。他的小組，他已經拋下他們了，他強制地離開了。他猜測Abby，McGee還有Ziva肯定會找時間在一起，並毫無疑問地用比起他的選擇健康多了的方式回應著彼此的傷痛。但Gibbs沒心情對任何人提供他的安慰，也沒必要讓任何人提供給他。
Pushing off the floor, using the boat as leverage, Gibbs made his way up the basement stairs. He managed to find the coordination to brush his teeth, some habits too ingrained to break, and after stripping down, fell into bed, hoping against hope he'd at least drunk enough to allow him to sleep.
藉著船的重量，從地上爬起，Gibbs讓自己踏上了地下室的樓梯。他勉強能找到協調的動作來刷牙，有些習慣因為太過根深蒂固而很難打破，接著在脫去衣服後，他摔進床裡，希望又希望他喝得夠醉夠讓自己睡著。
But when he closed his eyes, the remains of Tony's burnt shell of a body haunted him. It made the false vision of him healthy and whole at the church even more mocking嘲笑 in comparison對照.
但當他閉上眼睛，Tony的身體被燒成焦屍的回憶又纏上了他。這種不真實的幻覺對照著所有發生在教堂裡的那些事情甚至都像是在嘲笑他。
"Hey," a voice beside him said.
「嘿，」一道聲音在他身旁說道。
Gibbs let out an involuntary yell which he quickly cut off. "Shit, DiNozzo!" he snapped. "You almost gave me a heart attack." Despite his drinking, he felt completely sober and sane, but when he turned his head, there Tony was, still dressed, lying next to him. As if to prove a point, Gibbs reached out, fully expecting to feel the sheets床單 where Tony lay, but instead, his hand landed on his chest. "I can touch you," he said, a shiver running down his spine.
Gibbs下意識地大叫出聲並猛地坐起。「狗屎，DiNozzo！」他厲聲道。「你差點把我嚇出心臟病。」儘管他喝了那麼多，他仍覺得完全的清醒及理智，但當他轉過頭，Tony就在那裡，衣著整齊地，躺在他身旁。像是要證明這一點，Gibbs伸出手，預期只會碰到Tony所躺的位置的床單，但相反地，他的手卻碰上了他的胸口。「我可以碰到你，」他說道，一陣戰慄竄過他的脊柱。
"Yeah," Tony said with a smile. "I just needed a little help to figure out how, kinda like that scene場景 in Ghost with that crazy subway ghost."
「是啊，」Tony帶著個笑容說道。「我只是需要一點幫助來摸索出來，就像是某種鬼片裡面的瘋狂地鐵幽靈一樣。」
"You do know that I never understand your movie references, right?" Gibbs found himself asking.
「你的確知道我從來不了解你所引用的電影，對吧？」Gibbs發現自己提了問題。
"Not true," Tony defended him. "You get some of them. You're not completely out of touch. Just mostly."
「這不是事實，」Tony反駁他。「你的確知道某些。你不是完全摸不著邊。只是大部分是而已。」
Gibbs stared at Tony, his hand still resting on him, and found himself captivated著迷 by the rise and fall of Tony's chest. "You're breathing," he observed.
Gibbs瞪著Tony，他的手仍在他身上，並發現自己著迷於Tony胸膛的起伏。「你正在呼吸，」他觀察道。
Tony glanced down. "See? What'd I tell you? You're sharp as a tack." The grin he shot Gibbs was Tony at his teasing finest.
Tony向下看去。「看吧？我告訴過你的？你尖銳得像個圖釘似的。」Tony丟給Gibbs的笑臉是他最愛逗弄人的那張臉。
"This is a dream," Gibbs decided. He was home, in bed, drunk, fast asleep, and having a dream. And while it would suck吞沒 beyond the telling of it when he woke up, he couldn't walk away like he had at the church. Slowly, keeping his eyes on Tony's face, he moved his hand down over Tony's stomach and down to rest over his, somehow not surprisingly, hardening cock. He always suspected懷疑 Tony had a trigger觸發 reflex when it came to becoming aroused.
「這是場夢，」Gibbs這麼決定。他回到家裡，躺上床，喝醉了，迅速睡著，然後做了個夢。而當他醒來時這些都會在說出來之前被吞噬，他無法就像在教堂裡時一樣地走開。緩慢地，他盯住Tony的臉，他將在Tony身上的手移動向下到腹部的地方以及再更下面的地方，不知怎麼一點也不讓人驚訝地，摸到了堅硬的老二。他總是懷疑Tony有著容易被激起反應的體質。
"Hmm," Tony hummed, arching a little into Gibbs' hand. "Feels good." He lifted an arm but then hesitated. "Can I touch you?"
「哼嗯嗯，」Tony哼哼著，微微地拱著Gibbs的手。「感覺很好。」他放開了一隻手但猶豫著。「我可以碰你嗎？」
"Wouldn't be much of a wet dream if you didn't," Gibbs pointed out.
「你不這麼做這就不太算是場春夢了，」Gibbs指出。
"I don't think I'm a wet dream, boss," Tony argued.
「我不認為我是場春夢，Boss，」Tony辯道。
"That's all you can be, DiNizzo," Gibbs countered. "What other explanation is there?"
「那是你唯一能成為的，DiNozzo，」Gibbs反擊道。「還能有什麼別的解釋？」
"That's sort of up to you," Tony said obscurely.
「你說了算，」Tony令人費解地道。
Gibbs couldn't remember ever having a wet dream in which the object客觀 of his affections wouldn't shut up. A small part of him, that he was steadfastly ignoring, knew something was off, that this was too authentic可信的 to be anything but real; but Tony was dead, of that Gibbs was sure. The whole thing was too confusing and painful to think about, so he leaned forward and kissed Tony, wanting to at least do the one thing he'd been thinking about since the first time he saw Tony smile at him.
Gibbs不記得曾經有過個春夢在他客觀影響下還不閉嘴的。小部分的他說，他應該要堅定地忽視這個，並知道某些事物已經遠去了，儘管這一切可信到可以做任何事，只除了它不是真的之外；但Tony已經死了，這一點Gibbs很肯定。這一整件事太過讓人困惑並痛苦到不願意去思考，所以他只是傾身過去並親吻了Tony，想要至少能做一件自從他第一次看到Tony對著他笑時就想對他做的事情。
He felt the shape樣子 of Tony's grin for a second before the warm mouth opened under his. Their tongues met in a wonderfully wet and hot kiss that had both men edging closer to each other until their bodies were pressed tightly together.
他感覺Tony笑的樣子片刻、然後那溫暖的嘴就在他的嘴下打開了。他們的舌頭相遇在一個又濕又熱的美好親吻裡，這讓兩個男人都緩緩地靠近了彼此直到他們的身體緊緊地挨在一起。
In a real dream, Gibbs thought traitorously to himself, Tony would be naked now. Against his mouth, Gibbs said, "Why do you still have your clothes on?"
這是個真實的夢，Gibbs的想法背叛了他自己，Tony接下來就會光溜溜了。靠著他的嘴，Gibbs說，「你為什麼還穿著衣服？」
"I like the way you think," Tony said delightedly, and he pushed away to strip his clothes off.
「我喜歡你思考的方向，」Tony快樂地說道，接著他退開並脫去了他所有的衣服。
The pain of Tony's loss was hard to keep front and center when Tony was here, naked, rubbing his hands up and down Gibbs' chest and torso and closing his fingers around-- "God," Gibbs moaned.
失去Tony的痛是如此地難以揮去並刺在心中，而Tony人就在這裡，赤裸地，在Gibbs的胸膛及身軀上用他的手摩娑著並用他的手指環住—「天，」Gibbs呻吟道。
"Like that?" Tony said with a smug grin. He started kissing Gibbs' jaw while his hand leisurely空閒的 stroked撫 Gibbs to an aching hardness. Gibbs wanted Tony to shut up again, so he went back to the kissing. Against his mouth, Tony whispered, "Lube?"
「喜歡那樣？」Tony帶著得意的笑容道。當他空閒的手撫著Gibbs時他開始吻著Gibbs的下巴直到他硬得發疼。Gibbs想要Tony再次閉上嘴巴，好讓他能繼續回去吻著他。靠近了他的嘴，Tony細語道，「潤滑劑？」
"Drawer," Gibbs managed to say.
「抽屜，」Gibbs勉強說道。
Tony pulled away to reach for the bedside table, opening the drawer and pulling out lube.
Tony退開好能尋找旁邊的桌子，拉開抽屜並拿出潤滑劑。
"Why do you need this?" Gibbs asked, unable to completely let go of the assumption假定 that this was a dream. He never needed lube in a dream. This isn't a dream, he thought to himself. It has to be, he told himself. He's real, he argued back. "He can't be," he snapped out loud.
「你為什麼需要這個？」Gibbs問，不完全能夠假定這是場夢了。他在夢裡從未需要過潤滑劑。這不是場夢，他對著自己想道。這必須是，他告訴他自己。他是真的，他反駁回去。「他不能是，」他大聲厲道。
"Are you trying to ruin the mood?" Tony asked quizzically.
「你正在試著破壞氣氛嗎？」Tony不可思議地疑惑問道。
"I need to understand," Gibbs said obstinately. "If this isn't a dream, then what the hell is going on?"
「我必須要了解，」Gibbs固執地說道。「如果這不是場夢，那麼見鬼的發生什麼事情了？」
Lube in hand, Tony dropped back down to the bed, his eyes rolling. "Can't you ever take something on faith?"
手上有著潤滑劑，Tony躺回床上，他翻了個白眼。「你曾經信仰過什麼嗎？」
"No," Gibbs retorted. "I can't. And you being here makes no sense."
「沒有，」Gibbs回嘴。「我無法。所以你在這裡的這件事完全說不通。」
"Can't it just be a Christmas miracle?" Tony asked.
「它不能就只是個聖誕奇蹟？」Tony問。
"And what happens tomorrow," Gibbs demanded, "when I wake up and you're gone?"
「那明天會發生什麼，」Gibbs要求地道，「當我醒來後你已經消失的話？」
"Maybe I won't be gone," Tony suggested.
「也許我不會消失，」Tony提議道。
"And how are you planning on explaining the being dead part? Or are you just planning on warming my bed as a ghost for the rest of my life?"
「那你準備怎麼解釋已經死亡的部分？或者你只是計劃在我部份的生命中用鬼魂的身份幫我暖床？」
"Would that be so bad?" Tony threw out. "Good sex every night? Might loosen you up a bit. Probably be easier than having to actually hide a relationship from everyone, with the gay thing and the boss thing."
「那樣會很糟？」Tony暗示道。「每晚都有美好的性愛？也許可以讓你放鬆一點。說不定比起對任何一個人隱藏起一段確實的情感關係還要簡單，從同志的部份及老闆的部份來說。」
"Would you have considered it?" Gibbs asked, doubting his sanity理智 for even having this conversation, let alone asking that question.
「你考慮過這個？」Gibbs問，甚至在問出問題時他都懷疑自己的理智，但他卻仍是問出這個問題了。
"For you?" Tony asked.
「對你嗎？」Tony問。
Gibbs nodded.
Gibbs點頭。
"Absolutely," Tony said emphatically. "I'd have risked it all for you."
「當然，」Tony強調地說道。「我完全可以為你冒這個風險。」
"What about all the women?" Gibbs pointed out.
「那所有的那些女人？」Gibbs指出。
"What about you being a total bastard all the time and smacking me upside the head?"
「何不說說你無時不刻都是個完全的混蛋而且還搧我的腦袋？」
"I thought you liked that," Gibbs protested.
「我以為你喜歡那樣，」Gibbs抗議道。
"Not the point," Tony said. "You're still an unapproachable bastard."
「那不是重點，」Tony說。「你仍舊是個難以接近的混蛋。」
"I've worked hard to be that way," Gibbs said truculently.
「我很努力維持那樣，」Gibbs好鬥地說。
"Yeah, I watched you," Tony said. He held up the lube. "Any chance we might actually have sex tonight?"
「是啊，我看著你呢，」Tony說道。他舉起了潤滑劑。「我們今晚真的可能有機會來做愛嗎？」
"Not until I know what's going on and what's going to happen. I don't want to have sex and then wake up and find you gone and--." He stopped talking, not even willing to think about how bad things had been a couple of hours ago and how they'd be that way again. "What did you mean when you said it was up to me?"
「直到我搞清楚發生了什麼還有什麼即將發生為止。我不想要來場性愛然後醒來卻發現你不見了以及—」他停止了說話，甚至不願意去想到就在數小時之前究竟有多糟的事情發生了，還有他們是怎麼去面對的。「你說我說了算是什麼意思？」
"Ah," Tony said. "I was wondering if you'd caught that."
「啊，」Tony說。「我是希望你能抓到這個重點的。」
Gibbs was actually ashamed of himself that he'd forgotten until now.
Gibbs因為他忘了這個直到現在才想起而確實地感到了羞愧。
"Cut yourself some slack," Tony suggested, as if Gibbs' thoughts were all over his face. "You've had a bad day."
「讓你自己鬆懈點，」Tony提議道，像是Gibbs的想法都表現在了他的臉上。「你有個很糟的一天。」
Gibbs wished that Tony were really alive and really here, so he could allow himself the weakness of drawing on him for comfort. "Did you really die?"
Gibbs希望Tony是真的活著並且真的在這裡的，那麼他就可以准許自己露出脆弱並得到安慰。「你真的死了？」
"Yeah, boss, I did."
「是啊，Boss，我是的。」
"Then what is this? Tell me the truth. Why are you here?"
「那現在這是什麼？告訴我真相。你為什麼在這裡？」
"Because you prayed for me and, like I said, it got everyone into a tizzy. They sent me down before they'd given it a lot of thought, I think."
「因為你為我祈禱了而且，就像我說的，這讓所有人都興奮了。他們在能想到更多事情之前先派了我下來，我認為是這樣。」
"But—"
「但是—」
"Wait," Tony interrupted. "Let's finish the other conversation we were having. Would you have considered it, if you'd known I was willing?"
「等等，」Tony插話道。「先讓我們解決其他已經有的對話內容。如果你知道我願意的話，你是否會考慮我們之間？」
That was a good question, and one that Gibbs had given a lot of thought. He ran his eyes over Tony's naked body, imagining joining him in bed every night. Having someone to eat dinner with and talk to about his job. "Yes," he said. They were both good at lying, and Tony was the best undercover agent Gibbs had ever worked with. They could have pulled it off.
這是個好問題，而針對這Gibbs好好地思考了。他的眼神逡巡過Tony赤裸的身體，想像著每晚和他一起在床上享受著。擁有著某個人一起吃晚餐和談論他的工作。「會，」他說。他們對彼此來說都會是很好的床伴，而Tony也是Gibb一起工作過最好的臥底探員。他們可以是最貼近彼此的。
"When you were praying back at the church," Tony prompted him. "What did you want? I mean, really want?"
「當你在教堂裡祈禱時，」Tony鼓勵著他。「你想要的是什麼？我意思是，真正想要的？」
"You not dead," Gibbs answered immediately. "Me not alone," he added truthfully. "But life doesn't work that way," he continued. "I wanted Kelly and Shannon back, too, and trust me, I prayed then, too."
「你沒死，」Gibbs立即回答道。「我不是孤單一個人的，」他坦誠地補充道。「但生活不是這樣運作的，」他繼續道。「我也希望Kelly和Shannon回來，而且相信我，我也祈禱這個了。」
"I'm sorry, boss," Tony said. "If I knew how to give them back to you, I would. But too much time has gone by, and it would change too many things to even attempt to try it. I think you're stuck with me or nothing."
「我很抱歉，Boss，」Tony說道。「如果我知道怎麼讓她們回到你身邊，我會這麼做的。但是即使是企圖這麼做，時間也過去太久改變太多事情了。我想除了我也沒別的選擇了。」
Suddenly angry, Gibbs demanded, "Are you telling me there was a way to get them back, back then? That if I'd prayed the right way, or used the right words, that there might have been a way?" Just the thought that he'd missed the chance to hold his daughter again, to hear her laughter, made him sick to his stomach.
突來地憤怒，Gibbs要求道，「你是在告訴我有方法可以讓她們回來嗎，回來之後呢？如果我祈禱對方向，或是用對字眼，那就會有方法讓她們回來？」只要想到是他自己錯過了可以再度擁抱他的女兒，聆聽她笑聲的機會，這讓他覺得反胃。
"No, no" Tony assured him quickly. "I'm not explaining this right. Things suck for everyone sooner or later, Gibbs, it's the nature of life. Either we die or the people we love die. Can't get away from it. And sure it sucks when something happens like it did to your family, but that shit happens, too. Some people, when bad thing happen, do amazing things with it. They start organizations like Mothers Against Drunk Driving, or the Amber Alert, or the Leukemia Society, or they go on to find a way to love again and find meaning in life. Other people, when bad things happen, they close down, get angry."
「不，不是，」Tony迅速地向他確定道。「我不是在說明這是對的。每個人早晚都會消逝，Gibbs，這是生命自然。即使是我們死了或是我們所愛的人死亡都是。沒有人躲得開。而當然消逝的方式就是有某件事情會發生，像是發生在你家人身上的，但這狗屁倒灶的事就是發生了。有些人，當壞事發生時，則是發生了神奇的事情。它們有系統的發生像是母親被酒駕者撞了，或是像是安柏警報，像是白血病或腫瘤，或是他們繼續走下去並發現可以再愛一次的方法或是發現了生命的意義。另一些人，當壞事發生時，他們關閉了心門，所得的只有憤怒。」
"Like me?" Gibbs asked defiantly.
「就像我？」Gibbs挑釁似地問。
"Nope," Tony said. "You're an odd duck. Yes, you closed down, but only to good things happening to you. You still fight like hell for everyone else, and if there was anything you could do to keep someone else from suffering like you did, you'd give your life to prevent it."
「不是啦，」Tony說。「你就像是那個與眾不同的醜小鴨。對，你關上了心門，但卻只針對發生在你身上的好事。你仍像是活在地獄裡似地為了其他人而奮鬥，而如果有任何事可以免於讓別人遭受到你所受過的，你會用盡你的生命去阻止它。」
As uncomfortable as Gibbs was with Tony's words, he still felt warmed by them. "And?" he finally said.
Tony的字句似乎讓Gibbs在聽的時候不太舒服，他卻仍舊從其中感覺到了溫暖。「然後？」他最終說道。
"And you're like the prodigal son. You finally came home, just for a moment, and you asked for something for yourself. And no one had the heart to say no."
「而你就像個在外遊蕩的孩子。你最終還是會回家，只是片刻，你為自己要求著些東西。沒有人真心想拒絕你。」
"And suddenly I'm supposed假定 to become some sort of ray of sunshine, smiles for everyone? Are the choirs of angels celebrating my return to the human race, full of expectation期望 that I'll be a kinder, gentler version of myself?" Gibbs asked derisively.
「然後像是我突然就會變成某種陽光男孩一樣，對著每個人微笑？那些唱詩班的天使是不是正在慶祝我回歸人道，滿是期待我會變成一個更加友善，更加紳士的人？」Gibbs嘲笑地問道。
Tony snorted. "They're angels, Gibbs, not morons."
Tony哼了哼。「他們是天使，Gibbs，不是傻子。」
Gibbs narrowed his eyes at Tony.
Gibbs對著Tony瞇起他的眼睛。
Tony grinned in return. "No one expects anything of you." Then, glancing down at their naked bodies, he amended, "Well, I was sort of expecting sex, but we haven't gotten very far."
Tony回以笑容。「沒有人對你期望任何事。」接著，低眼看向他們赤裸的身體，他修正道，「好吧，我多少算是在期待著做愛，但我們還沒談完。」
"What happens in the morning?" Gibbs said after a moment. That was the important thing. "Is this a pity fuck to help me deal with your death? Sort of like," and Gibbs made sure Tony was watching him before he threw out, "We'll always have
「明天早上會發生什麼事？」片刻後Gibbs問道。這很重要。「這是個去他的憐憫好讓我可以面對你的死亡？看起來挺像的，」接著Gibbs在確保Tony看著他後才說出，「我們可以總是擁有Casablanca？」
"See?" Tony said with a broad smile. "You can do it." Then, wincing a little, he added, "Although it's actually: 'We'll always have
「你看？」Tony帶著個無聊的笑容說道。「你可以的。」接著，臉有點抽搐，他補充道，「雖然正確的應該是—『我們可以總是擁有Paris』。」
"They were in
「他們是在Casablanca，」Gibbs說。
"Yeah, I know, but their love affair was in
「是啊，我知道，但他們的戀愛事件是發生在巴黎。他們只是再次在Casablanca相遇了，這就是為什麼他這麼說，」Tony改變他的聲音儘可能地模仿了Bogart。「『世界上有那麼多城鎮，城鎮中有那麼多酒館，她卻走進了我的。』」Tony對著Gibbs笑道。
Shaking his head, another unwilling smile forming on his face, Gibbs refocused the conversation, "What happens in the morning?"
搖搖他的頭，另一個不常見的笑容出現在他臉上，Gibbs重提了他的問題，「明天早上會發生什麼事？」
"You see," Tony said, not answering the question, "things are precariously不穩定地 balanced right now. I've only been dead a few hours, and things are still in play. Ducky identified me, but there's still evidence out there, and he could be wrong. It's not like it hasn't happened once or twice. But if you wait too long, the teeth and the DNA samples will come back, and they'll prove it's me, and it could be too late."
「你看，」Tony說，並沒有回答問題，「事情現在快要失衡了。我只死了幾個小時而已，但事情仍舊在進行中。Ducky鑑定了我，但別處仍有其他證據，所以他可能是錯的。這種事並不是沒有發生過一次或兩次。但如果你浪費時間太久，牙齒和DNA的樣本就會回來，那他們就會證明那是我，這樣可能就太遲了。」
"Too late for what?" Gibbs asked.
「太遲什麼？」Gibbs問。
"For you to hope. Can you do that? Can you hope? Can you have some faith? Can you believe that something good can happen to you? For you? That's all you need to do."
「對你的希望來說就太遲了。你可以嗎？你可以抱持希望嗎？你可以擁有些信念嗎？你可以相信會有好事發生在你身上嗎？為了你而發生的？那就是你所需要做的。」
"That's all," Gibbs said disparagingly. "Just hope."
「就這些，」Gibbs蔑道。「就只是希望。」
"That's all," Tony said carefully. "Just believe it can happen."
「就這些，」Tony關愛地道。「就只要相信這可以發生。」
It seemed so simple, but Gibbs couldn't do it. He knew better than anyone how fragile his heart was. If he allowed himself to believe, to hope, truly hope, and nothing was different in the morning, and Tony was still dead, there'd be nothing left inside him to keep him human.
這看起來如此簡單，但Gibbs卻辦不到。他知道他的心比任何人都來得脆弱。如果他准許自己相信了，讓自己去希望了，真切地希望，而到了天明時一切卻都沒有不同，Tony仍舊是死了的話，那就沒有什麼好讓他可以留戀人生了。
"For me. For us," Tony pleaded.
「為了我。為了我們，」Tony懇求著。
"For you when I know you're dead?" Gibbs asked disbelievingly. "For us when there can't be an us? How am I supposed to do that?"
「當我知道你已經死了的時候還是要為了你？」Gibbs不可置信地問。「當那已經不可能成為我們的時候還是要為了我們？我要怎麼支持自己去這麼做？」
"You hope all the time, often against all reason," Tony said. "You hope that we'll find the bad guy, that the innocents won't be killed, that your team will be safe."
「你無時不刻都懷抱著希望，通常是各種理由，」Tony說。「你希望我們會抓到壞人，希望無辜的人不要被殺害，希望你的小組平安無事。」
"That's not hope," Gibbs said darkly, "that's skill, and knowledge, and intelligence. And even with all of that I still lost Kate, I still lost you."
「那不是希望，」Gibbs陰沉地說道，「那是技巧，知識，還有情報。而即使有這些我還是失去了Kate，我還是失去了你。」
"So, it's nothing more than a case of you win some, you lose some?" Tony asked incredulously. "You're never hoping for a particular outcome?"
「所以，這就只是個無關乎你贏得了什麼，或是失去了什麼的案子？」Tony懷疑地問道。「你從未期望過有什麼不一樣的結局？」
"I'm pushing for an outcome, using my skills," Gibbs argued. "And sometimes they're not enough."
「我把自己領到結局，運用我的技巧，」Gibbs反駁。「而有時候不止於此。」
"So you come home alone and work on your boat until you can't keep your eyes open anymore, occasionally偶爾 getting into a belligerent好戰的 relationship with some woman who'll grow tired of you before you have to risk anything?"
「所以你就孤獨的回家然後造你的船直到眼睛再也睜不開為止，或是在你想要冒任何險之前偶爾找個女人來場有挑戰性的關係直到你累了為止？」
"And the way you lived your life was any better?" Gibbs snapped. "Any regrets後悔 now that you're on the other side?" Gibbs was startled to realize this was the first time he'd even given thought to everything Tony had lost when he'd died.
「你所過的生活就有比較好嗎？」Gibbs厲聲道。「你現在有後悔過你沒有過過別種生活嗎？」Gibbs這才開始領悟到、這是甚至是他第一次想到當Tony死去時他也都失去這些了。
"Yes," Tony said quietly, sadly. "This was one. You and me. But, apparently顯然地, hoping for it, believing it could actually happen is beyond you. You can sit here and talk to me, and almost have sex with me, but you'd rather believe it's a dream, or post traumatic stress disorder, or some ingredient gone bad in the bourbon, than actually believe in a miracle."
「有，」Tony靜靜地道，並帶著悲傷。「這就是一件。你和我。但，顯然地，希望著它，相信它確實可以發生對你來說太遙遠。你可以坐在這裡和我說話，而且幾乎和我做了愛，但你寧願相信這是場夢，是種施壓於傷口上的方法，或是波本的某種成分下的壞影響，遠勝於相信這是個奇蹟。」
"If I believe in miracles, Tony," Gibbs said guardedly, "how do I live my life when I don't get them?"
「如果我相信奇蹟了，Tony，」Gibbs小心翼翼地說道，「如果我沒有得到這個奇蹟的話我要怎麼活下去？」
"The same way we all do," Tony said. "But most people don't get to be naked in bed with one who's just asking him to believe to make it happen. It's an engraved invitation, Jethro. Just fucking say yes."
「就像以往我們所做的那樣，」Tony說。「但大多數的人不會有個裸男在他床上並且剛要求完要他相信這是會發生的。這是個銘在心上的邀請，Jethro。就是去你的點頭相信吧。」
Gibbs thought he might break apart with the opposing反對 forces inside him vying競爭 for dominance優勢. The part of him that had spent years keeping himself safe was screaming to say no. The part of him that he'd kept safe, that small child who had hoped for the right Christmas present under the tree, the young man who had kissed his first girl hoping she would kiss him back, the adult who'd asked his first true love to marry him, hoping she'd say yes, that part of him wanted to yell yes just as loudly.
Gibbs想他可能打破了部分反對意識在他心底的強烈抗議。那個花了數年為了讓他自己安全而尖叫著說不的部分他。那個處於安全之地的他，那個希望樹下有著對的聖誕禮物的小孩，那個吻了他的第一個女孩並也希望她能回吻的年輕男人，那個向他的真愛求婚，並且希望她能答應的成年男人，這個部份的他只想大聲的吶喊著相信。
"Will it help if I leave?" Tony offered. "Is it too confusing to have me here?"
「如果我離開了會有幫助嗎？」Tony提議道。「有我在這裡太讓人困惑了？」
Gibbs' hand shot out to grab Tony's arm. "Stay." If this was all he'd have, he wasn't ready to give it up, yet.
Gibbs倏地抓住了Tony的臂膀。「留著。」如果這是他僅有的，他還沒準備好要放棄，還沒。
"Say yes," Tony said again, leaning in to kiss Gibbs. "Just say it and mean it." He rested his forehead against Gibbs'. "But hurry. Ducky's on his way in. He couldn't sleep. We're running out of time."
「說相信，」Tony再次說道，傾身吻了Gibbs。「只要說出來並讓它意義如此。」他讓自己的額頭靠著Gibbs的。「但快點。Ducky還在繼續他的工作。他不睡覺的。我們快花光時間了。」
Fear was what finally motivated Gibbs. "Yes. Yes. I--" He stopped, the words bottled up.
終是恐懼刺激了Gibbs。「是的。是的。我—」他停下，吞著那些字。
"You what?" Tony asked hopefully, eyes pleading.
「你什麼？」Tony期望地問著，眼中有著懇求。
"I believe—" Gibbs stopped again.
「我相信—」Gibbs再次停住。
"What do you believe?" Tony prompted.
「你相信什麼？」Tony鼓勵著。
I believe in miracles, Gibbs said to himself, trying it on for size. It felt like a lie. I have hope that you can be brought back from the dead. That felt like a lie, too. He searched for something to say that didn't feel like a lie.
我相信有奇蹟，Gibbs對著自己說道，試著大聲說出來。這感覺像個謊言。我希望你能從死亡中被帶回。這也感覺像個謊言。他尋找著某種說出來不像是謊言的。
Tony watched him, eyes inviting, head dipping as if he might say the words for him.
Tony看著他，眼中有著邀請，頭點著像是他會為了他說出那個字。
Finding something of truth in him, Gibbs finally said, "I believe in you and me, and I want that. If it's possible, I want that. And if anyone could come back from the grave, it would be you, DiNozzo."
像是發現了某些他心底的真實，Gibbs終是說道，「我相信你和我之間，而且我想要這個，那只能是你，DiNozzo。」
"Almost there," Tony coached. "It's just a small step from there."
「就快到了，」Tony指點道。「就只差一小步了。」
Gibbs swallowed. It wasn't the words, he realized. He could come up with the words. Give me a miracle, give me you, let this happen. But to actually believe that he, Leroy Jethro Gibbs was deserving of a miracle? That was the problem.
Gibbs吞嚥著。這都不是那個字，他了解到。他可以找到那個字的。給我個奇蹟，給我你，讓這些發生。但要怎麼確實相信這個他，Leroy Jethro Gibbs是值得領受個奇蹟的？那是個問題。
"If I tell you that you are, will it help?" Tony asked.
「如果我告訴你你是什麼，會有幫助嗎？」Tony問道。
"That I am, what?"
「我是，什麼？」
"Worthy, deserving, loved, all of that and more," Tony said, the affection in his eyes giving truth to his words. "And by more than me."
「你是值得的，應得許多的，是被愛的，所有這些甚至更多，」Tony說，他的眼中折射著他所說的真實。「甚至遠勝過我將給你的。」
In answer, Gibbs pulled Tony close, wrapping his arms around him. He let himself soak up Tony's strength and warmth, allowed it to feed his courage. It was funny how he could step in front of a bullet without a smidgen of fear, but offering up his heart to what he thought of as an unloving and capricious變幻無常的 God was the most terrifying thing he'd done in years. Then he leaned back and cupped Tony's face in his hands. "I want my miracle. I want you in this bed, and in my life. I want to go into work and find you there. I want to listen to your stupid jokes, and watch you be braver than you should be and smarter than you let on. I want it all."
沉浸在這答案之中，Gibbs將Tony拉得更近，並用雙手環抱住他。他讓自己感受著Tony的強壯與溫暖，讓這些餵養著他的勇氣。這很有趣，他可以毫無畏懼地站在子彈面前，但要對著他不再敬愛以及變化莫測的上帝說出他內心所想的卻是這些年他所做過的事情之中最讓他感到害怕的。他傾向後並用雙手捧住了Tony的臉。「我想要我的奇蹟。我想要你在這床上，還有在我生命中。我想要回去工作時發現你在那裡。我想要聽見你那些愚蠢的笑話，並且看著你比你應該要表現出來的更加英勇更加聰明。我想要所有這些。」
"Do you believe it can happen?" Tony asked, eyes shining.
「你相信這會發生嗎？」Tony問，眼神閃閃。
"Should miracles be this hard to come by?" Gibbs asked with a small grin.
「奇蹟應該有這麼難得到嗎？」Gibbs帶著個小小的笑容問道。
"Miracles are never easy, boss," Tony said.
「奇蹟從不輕易發生，Boss，」Tony說。
"Then, you've been a miracle all along, DiNozzo," Gibbs teased. "And yes, I believe it can happen." And he did. Or at least he mostly did. Part of him did.
「那麼，你一直都是個奇蹟，DiNozzo，」Gibbs逗弄道。「而且是的，我相信這會發生。」所以他這麼做了。或至少來說他幾乎算是這麼做了。部分的他是的。
"Good enough," Tony said with a blinding smile. He kissed Gibbs on the forehead. "Go to sleep."
「足夠好了，」Tony帶著個毫無防備的笑容道。他吻上了Gibbs的額頭。「去睡吧。」
"What?" Gibbs said, exasperated, even as his eyes started to close and darkness settled around him. "I don't—" Unable to finish even a sentence, he drifted off.
「什麼？」Gibbs說，帶著惱火，即使如此他的眼睛已經開始閉上並且逐漸被黑暗籠罩。「我不—」甚至還來不及說完一句話，他就已經睡著了。
A phone was ringing. Gibbs tried to remember where his cell phone was and found a vague模糊地 memory of shutting it off. He wrinkled his brow, thinking. It slowly percolated過濾 through his brain that it was his land line, and seeing as how he didn't have an answering machine, it would keep ringing until whoever was calling gave up. He waited a while, hopeful, but the phone kept ringing.
有電話在響。Gibbs試著回想起他的手機在哪卻發現在模糊的記憶裡他把它關機了。他皺起眉，想著。他慢慢過濾他的腦袋想著電話線在哪，然後想著為什麼他沒有電話答錄機，這樣它就要一直響到打來的那個人放棄為止。他等了片刻，期望著，但電話仍舊在響著。
"Shit," he said as he reached out to grab the phone. As he brought it to his ear, all the memories of last night came back, and he frantically looked around for Tony.
「狗屎，」當他找到並抓起電話時他說道。當他將之靠近耳朵時，所有關於前一晚的記憶都回來了，接著他瘋狂地環視尋找著Tony。
He was alone. He tried to listen to see if someone was roaming his house but the insistent堅持的 voice on the other end of the phone was pulling his attention. "What?" he snapped into it.
他是孤獨一人的。他實在是厭倦於去接聽、看是否有某個人要來他的房子裡閒逛，但電話另一頭堅持的聲音卻開始拉住了他的注意力。「幹什麼？」他厲聲對著另一頭道。
"Jethro," Ducky's voice said, sounding excited about something. "Ducky here. You'll never believe it."
「Jethro，」Ducky的聲音說道，聽起來像是興奮於某樣東西。「我是Ducky。你永遠不會相信這個。」
"I'm in no mood for guessing games today," Gibbs bit out. In the light of day, his belief in miracles was waning quickly.
「我今天沒有心情玩猜謎遊戲，」Gibbs咬牙道。在天亮之後，他對於奇蹟的信念正在銳減中。
"It wasn't Tony," Ducky said happily.
「那不是Tony，」Duck快樂地說道。
"What?" Gibbs said, his breath catching, hope rising insidiously. "You mean—" He couldn't even finish the sentence.
「什麼？」Gibbs說，他的呼吸攫住，希望正在萌起。「你意思是—」他甚至無法完整地說完句子。
"Yes, my friend," Ducky said with immense satisfaction, "Tony wasn't the man who died in his car. Unbelievably, that's two times now that he's escaped that unlucky fate. I do believe he should install a good alarm警報 in the next car he buys."
「沒錯，我的朋友，」Ducky帶著非常大的滿足說道，「Tony不是那個死在他車裡的人。真不敢置信，他已經逃離不幸的命運兩次了。我相信他下次買車時會安裝個好用的警報器在車裡。」
"Have you seen him?" Gibbs challenged.
「那你有看到過他嗎？」Gibbs挑釁似地道。
"No," Ducky said, sounding worried, "and that has us all wondering where he is. It's possible that whoever blew his car up has taken Tony for some nefarious purpose; especially since they planted someone with lung damage so we'd clearly think it was him. I suggest we start looking immediately."
「沒有，」Ducky說道，聽起來很憂慮，「而且我們都想知道他在哪。很可能某個炸了Tony車的人也為了某個不法的目的而帶走了他；特別是自從某人的肺受過傷後我們可以很清楚地知道這是不是他。我建議我們要立刻開始尋找。」
That was the moment Tony walked into the bedroom, a mug of coffee in each hand, dressed in a pair of low-riding sweats and nothing else.
就是在這個時候Tony走進了臥室，手上端著兩杯咖啡，身上除了低腰運動褲之外什麼都沒有。
"He's here," Gibbs said, his eyes taking a greedy look at the man.
「他在這裡，」Gibbs說道，他的視線貪婪地看著那個男人。
There was a long pause. "He's there?"
接著停頓了很久。「他在那裡？」
"Yes," Gibbs said, starting to grin.
「對，」Gibbs說道，並開始笑了起來。
"Why did you ask me if you'd seen him then?" Ducky asked, sounding confused.
「如果你在那裡看到他的話為什麼還要問我？」Ducky問道，聽起來很困惑。
"Because I didn't know he was here," Gibbs said.
「因為我並不知道他在這裡，」Gibbs說道。
Tony rolled his eyes and said softly, "Oh, ye of little faith."
Tony翻了個白眼後輕聲說道，「噢，有點信心。」
"He must have come in while I was sleeping," Gibbs finished, too happy to care that Tony was making faces at him.
「他肯定是在我睡著的時候來的，」Gibbs總結道，太開心能夠注意到Tony對著他所做的鬼臉。
"Well, good," Ducky said in satisfaction. "All in all, a splendid ending to a horrible day. Please convey to our Mr. DiNozzo that I'll be looking forward to seeing him. I'll let everyone else know, shall I?"
「那麼，這很好，」Ducky用滿意的聲音說道。「總而言之，可怕的一天結束在一個極其令人滿意的結局上。請轉達我們的Mr. DiNozzo我會前往去看望他。我會讓其他人知道這個消息，可以嗎？」
"You do that, Ducky. Thanks," Gibbs added and hung up. "You're here," he said to Tony.
「你去吧，Ducky。謝了，」Gibbs補充道並掛了電話。「你在這裡，」他對著Tony說道。
"I'm here," Tony agreed. "Your very own Christmas miracle."
「我在這，」Tony同意道。「你擁有的超級聖誕奇蹟。」
Gibbs couldn't believe it. If it wasn't for Ducky's call, he'd still be inclined to believe that yesterday had all been a dream, from the explosion of Tony's car to the church and then everything that happened after that. Not that that would explain what Tony was doing here half naked in his bedroom.
Gibbs完全不敢相信。如果不是Ducky的電話，他仍舊傾向於相信昨天全是一場夢，從Tony的車爆炸到他去了教堂還有之後的所有事情都是。但那樣就無法解釋Tony在這裡還半裸的這件事了。
"They'll be showing up soon," Gibbs said. "Abby and McGee, Ziva, too, probably. What are you going to tell them? Where have you been for the last day?"
「他們很快就會出現的，」Gibbs說。「Abby還有McGee。Ziva也是，可能吧。你準備怎麼告訴他們？說你前一天在哪？」
Tony put the mugs down on the bedside table and crawled into bed with Gibbs. "I gather you're not comfortable with telling them the whole Christmas miracle story?"
Tony將咖啡放在床邊的桌子上並縮到床上Gibbs的身旁。「我猜如果我告訴他們這一整個聖誕奇蹟的故事的話，你會覺得不舒服？」
"I'm not even comfortable thinking it," Gibbs admitted. Although he did run a hand down Tony's side, letting his fingers rest on his hip. Tony was real. He was here.
「我甚至連想到都不舒服，」Gibbs坦承道。即使如此，他已經伸出了一隻手放在Tony的身側，並讓他的手指放在他的屁股上。Tony是真實的。他在這裡。
Tony shrugged. "Out of town for the evening to visit a friend?"
Tony聳聳肩。「為了在傍晚去拜訪個朋友所以出城了？」
"They won't buy it," Gibbs said. "I wouldn't buy it."
「他們不會買單這個的，」Gibbs說。「我也不會。」
"Yeah, but we know what a hard sell you are," Tony said ruefully. "Trust me, I know," he added with a grin. He picked up a cup of coffee and handed it to Gibbs. "They won't care what the reason is because they'll be happy to see me. And by the time they do care, I'll have come up with a believable story."
「是啊，但我們知道你有多難被推銷，」Tony悲慘地說道。「相信我，我知道的，」他帶著個笑容補充道。他端起一杯咖啡並遞給了Gibbs。「他們才不關心理由是什麼，他們只會高興看到我。而在這種時候他們所關心的，是我帶著個不可思議的故事出現。」
Gibbs took a sip of coffee, then another.
Gibbs啜了一口咖啡，然後又一口。
"So, now, if it's not too much trouble," Tony asked, stealing Gibbs' cup away and putting it back on the bedside table. "Could we have sex now? Finally?"
「所以，現在，如果沒有太大問題，」Tony問著，偷走了Gibbs的咖啡並放回一旁的桌上。「我們可以來做愛了嗎？終於了嗎？」
Gibbs laughed out loud, a louder and truer laugh than he could remember laughing in years. "Yes, Tony, we can have sex now. A thousand apologies for making you wait so long."
Gibbs大聲地笑了出來，那是這些年他有記憶以來最大聲最真實的笑。「沒錯，Tony，我們現在可以來做愛了。對於讓你等這麼久我致上千萬個道歉。」
"You're forgiven," Tony said magnanimously.
「原諒你了，」Tony寬宏大量地說道。
"It'll have to be fast," Gibbs warned. "The door's not locked."
「但我們速度要快點，」Gibbs警告道。「門可沒鎖。」
Tony grinned. "Yes, it is."
Tony笑了笑。「沒錯，的確是。」
Gibbs grinned back. "They're trained agents. Ziva will pick the lock."
Gibbs回笑。「他們是受過訓練的探員。Ziva還會開鎖。」
Tony growled at him. "Are you trying to get out of this? I can go home, you know."
Tony對著他咆哮。「你是想躲開嗎？我可以回家的，你知道。」
Grabbing at him, Gibbs drew them both down to the mattress. "No, you can't. I won you fair and square." And to prove his point, he kissed Tony.
抓住了他，Gibbs將他們兩人一起投進了床褥中。「不，你不能。我正大光明的贏了你了。」為了證明他的論點，他吻上了Tony。
When they drew apart for breath, Tony whispered, "Merry Christmas, Jethro."
當他們為了呼吸而抽開身時，Tony悄聲道，「聖誕快樂，Jethro。」
－The End－
－January 1, 2008－
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霹靂布袋戲 (11)